I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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