Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
