i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
