i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
