I am spending my child support on dildos
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
