Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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