walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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