why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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