so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
