I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
