just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My vagina is officially offended.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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