Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
