Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize