Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
