the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
