My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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