Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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