Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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