Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
love makes seman taste better
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
