bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
