I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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