Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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