i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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