I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
