Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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