i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
