I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I stole a fireplace last night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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