Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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