You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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