non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
