I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My dick has a subreddit
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
