Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
