I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
