I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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