The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
