i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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