seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
