he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
