i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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