I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
