my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
