Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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