He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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