new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize