how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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