yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
