So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
