I heard we made out
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
