Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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