New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
