I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
