two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
