I wanna passion pit in your ass
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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