Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
