I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
