I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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