at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
