I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
