So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
