Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
