I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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