At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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