Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think my vagina is haunted
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
